Feeling Feelings

As I write this, I feel a bit anxious and sad.  I suppose I have felt this way for about two days now.  Yesterday I wanted to cry for no good reason, and today, I had the same feeling of deep, heavy saddness paired with gut twisting anxiety.  Not exactly fun stuff.

The kicker is that things in my life seem to be going really well.  On the surface of my life, there is no good reason to be feeling this way and I am only vaguely aware of where these feelings are coming from.  However, I know that I am wise to pay attention to them, and to allow myself to feel my feelings.  I mean really feel them.  Just sit here and consciously feel my feelings.

Sometimes, allowing a feeling that we'd rather not feel is the best way to release it. Resisting feelings, talking ourselves out of them, or merely pushing them aside and "powering through" is not the solution (although it tends to be my M.O.).  But, what we resist persists. The more we try to ignore, or overcome feelings we'd rather not have, the stronger they get.  Feelings are indicators.  They help us to understand if our current thoughts, words, and actions are in alignment with our values and our purpose.

So here I sit.  I allow my feelings.  I blog.  I journal.  I meditate.  I wait.  I know that clarity will come as I allow myself to explore my feelings without judgment.  Ultimately, I know that listening to my gut (where my anxiety currently resides) and my heart (where the sadness is sitting) are smart choices.  And, while I would rather not feel sad and anxious right now, I know that it's all part of my personal growth and development. There is a lesson here for me to learn... and it may very well be what I regularly tell my clients... "Slow down, and listen". 

My to-do list can wait.  Right now, I choose to honor the needs of my soul and nurture my feelings.  I know they are here to teach me.

 

"Lucky"

Today is St. Patrick's Day, and as I sit here, I feel pretty darn lucky.  I have three healthy children who continually challenge me to grow into the person I am meant to become.  I have a husband who loves and supports me in my journey, and I live in a country with a "you can dream it, you can do it" culture. Sure, there are days that go by when I forget just how good I have it, but for the most part, I feel fortunate.

Having said that, I don't really believe in luck.  Or, at leas not in "dumb luck," "good luck," or "bad luck."  I believe that, for the most part, we create our own circumstances, and that even "lucky breaks" are the result of years of preparation.  I have a friend who is one of the hardest working people I know.  He is very well off financially, but has gotten to where he is through working hard, saving carefully, risking, failing, taking responsibility, learning, and risking again.  He has spent his entire adulthood learning from life and creating the circumstances that he desires.  That is not to say that he hasn't had his fair share of failures.  He's just the kind of guy who always manages to find the silver lining.  He fails forward. I have an uncle like this too.  He finds a way to turn just about any circumstance into a win-win.  Last year his house burned down, and although it was devastating, it didn't take long for him to find the opportunity. He now has a newly re-built dream home, a few extra dollars in his pocket, and an intensified gratitude for the things in life that really matter.

Both my friend and my uncle share similar mindsets.  They are good, hardworking people who simply refuse to blame anyone else for their circumstances.  They take responsibility and they look for opportunity.  Yet, I've often heard each of  them described as "lucky."  I think that people who are unwilling to take responsibility for their own lives tend to see those who do as "lucky".  Luck is where preparation meets opportunity. 

So, what about you?  Do you feel lucky?  Are you focused on what you want?  Or on the lack of it?  Are you preparing for your moment of opportunity?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!  Email me at carrie@coach-carrie.com.

Prepare, Position, RISK!

I came across this video on Facebook today.  I'd never seen it.  I watched it this morning, and it completely changed my agenda for the day.  It inspired me, and helped me remember to prepare well, put myself in position to achieve my goals, and then... take a risk.

So let's talk about the back story on this video.  Chris Solinsky set the American Record for the 10k and became the first American under 27 minutes in his VERY FIRST professional 10k!  But this did not happen merely because he is extremely talented, or because he was in a world class field (although bot happen to be true).  It happened because he prepared well, put himself in a good position, and then took the big risk! 

This video opens up just moments before Chris' big risk, his leap of faith, if you will.  He was not used to racing such a long distance, and  he was surrounded by some of the best long distance runners in the world.  He had experience in the past of taking the lead a bit too early in the race and losing it down the stretch... but he took the risk anyway.  He felt the moment, and he seized it.  He ignored the voice of doubt and listened to his body and his gut.  Every cell in his body said "go for it" and he did!  The result was a place in American distance running history!

Naturally, he could not have gotten to this moment without a strong belief in himself and his ability, and a LOT of hard work in preparation for a moment just like this.  But how many of us prepare and prepare, but fail to seize the moment to be great?  How many of us let fear keep us "in the pack" ? 

My goal for the day:  Prepare well, and be open to life's opportunities! 

Gut Check Time

 "At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.." - Lao Tsu

If the above statement is true, then why do we spend so much time and money trying to figure out who we are and what we want?  

Okay, that is a loaded question, and I could spend days answering it.  But, I won't.  I WILL suggest that we are TAUGHT to doubt ourselves at a very young age by well intentioned parents and teachers.  I read an example today about a mom who insisted that her children wear their coats outside to jump on the trampoline.  When her children took off the jackets because they were sweating while they bounced, the mother threatened the children saying that they must wear their jackets or they would have to go inside.  This mother meant well.  She just didn't want her children to be cold.  However, by insisting that they wear their jackets despite the feedback that their bodies were giving them, she taught her children not to trust their inner wisdom. She taught them that their inner nudges aren't valid.

Our public school system does a fantastic job of killing the intuition and inner wisdom of children.  I see this happening with my 6 year old.  She is constantly asking for permission... for everything!  She no longer trusts her gut, but rather looks for external validation.  "Mommy, can I color this horse pink?"  Before sarting school, she would have just colored it and been satisfied with herself.  Now she asks if it is okay and then asks me if I like it. She can't seem to find satisfaction in her work without validation. 

Luckily, I am an enlightened parent, and I tend to counter her questions with questions... ensuring that she remember to check in with her gut and learn to trust and test her own intuition.  But what about you and me?  Are we any different?

We spend so much of our lives researching, consulting the experts, and searching for the right answers. But how many of us spend time each day to check in with our intuition?  We all have it. Take time today to intentionally check in with yourself.  Sit quietly and close your eyes.  Take a few deep breaths, relax, and ask yourself , "What do I need to know today?"  Then wait.  Just wait and breathe. 

Got an important decision to make?  Stop weighing the facts and just sit with it for a day or two.  Your gut may very well supply the answers you need. 

If you'd like to get more in touch with your own inner wisdom and voice, I encourage you to join my 50 Day Shrink While You Grow Challenge.   For details, check: http://www.coach-carrie.com/Services.html

Answer Me This...

Three of the most basic coaching questions are:

Where are you now?
Where would you like to be?
What's stopping you from getting there?

So, where are you now?  What does it feel like to be you on a daily basis? Take a minute to think about your current circumstances.  Are you financially behind? Are you overweight and frustrated?  Do you seem to have it together on the outside, but feel yourself crumbling on the inside?  Are you living your daily life with anxiety?  Are you unfulfilled? What are the things that are currently in your life that you wish were not there?  Go ahead and make a list.

Okay, now to the second question (this is much more fun to think about).  Where would you like to be?  It may be helpful to give yourself a time frame here, so let's say in 5 years.  Do you want to be a homeowner or move to a new town?  Would you like to have a different career?  Be 30lbs lighter?  Own your own business?  Living anxiety free and comfortable in your own skin? In a healthy relationship?  I'm just throwing out ideas here, but take a moment to really think about what you want your life to look like in 5 years.  What are the things that are currenty NOT in your life,  that you would like to show up?

Believe it or not, if you actually DO what I suggest with question two, you are already ahead of the curve!  Most people like to complain about where they are, but don't give much detailed thought to where they want to go. But here's the thing, you'll never get there if you don't know where THERE is!!!

So now that you know where you are (and can feel the discomfort of it), and you have a pretty good idea of where you would like to go (and are probably feeling the excitement of that), what's stopping you?  What are the things that are holding you back?

Have you made your list?  Now, at the top of this list, write the following title:  EXCUSES. I know, many of you are already protesting and want to explain to me why your reasons are totally legitimate.  I don't doubt that they are.  We all have legitimate excuses, but if we really want to get  the life we've just described, we have to find a way to eliminate the answers to number three.  The hard truth is that if you keep doing what you are currently doing, in 5 years, we'll find that nothing has changed.  You will still be HERE, and THERE will still be 5 years away.

One of the BEST ways to get out of your own way and eliminate excuses is in a group setting with the support of others (a team environment).  If your vision for yourself includes becoming physically healthy and finding balance in your roles as mom, wife, and self, I'd like to invite you to my 50 Day Shrink While You Grow Challenge.  I'll help you to shrink physically while you grow personally.  We'll re-shape your body and re-program your mind, and at the end of the 50 days you'll be on track to have the life you envision! 

For details check:  http://www.coach-carrie.com/Services.html

The Power of an Hour

What could you accomplish if you could add just one more hour to your day?  Could you squeeze in that workout you never seem to have time for?  Maybe you would find the time to read or journal.  What if I told you that you can have that extra hour (or more), every day?  You can!  I'll tell you the secret...

Step 1: Set your alarm for one hour (or more) earlier than you currently get out of bed.
Step 2:  Get out of bed when it goes off.
Step 3: Use the time for what you intend it to be.

Step 3 is the hard part.  But do it.  You'll thank me later.  Just get out of bed.  I promise you will be a more productive person for your effort.

There is a natural tendency among many of my clients to argue "Well, you are a morning person.  I could never do that.  I am more productive at night."  This may be true.  I am a morning person, and I tend to be the most productive before noon. But, I assure you, I wasn't always setting my alarm for 4:00 AM.  The hard truth is that the way you START your day matters.  It sets the tone for everything that follows.  I start my day by honoring the needs of my soul. I "fill myself up" in the mornings so that I can pour my best self into the day.

4:00 AM is uncomfortably early even for me (although this morning I got out of bed at 3:45), but I've learned that my days are better if I can manage to get 2 full hours (or more) of "me time" before the kids get up.  I get my quiet time, my workout, and one or two other things in and start the day feeling whole; like I have nourished my soul.  When I feel this way, there is more of me to give to my kids, my husband, and everyone else I encounter during the day.  If I were to wait until the end of the day to get my "me time," it would most likely be spent unwinding.  I may go to bed feeling more balanced and whole, but the rest of the world would miss out on it, and I would have missed out on the increased productivity that is a natural result of starting my day with scheduled "me time."

Just try it for a week.  You can start with a half-hour if you like, but set the alarm, and get out of bed.  Notice how much more peace this one little habit brings to your busy life.   I promise, it's not that hard once you just make it a habit.  Commit to giving yourself some morning "me" time.  You deserve it!

Re-Parenting Myself

"I love and approve of myself".  This is an affirmation that I have found incredibly helpful over the past several years.  One of the most important things about this statement, when I first started to use it, was the realization that I didn't believe it.  It wasn't true for me.  Maybe I loved myself on some level, but self approval was something I definitely lacked. And the love I had for myself seemed tied to achievement; it was conditional. Like most of us, I felt like I wasn't enough, like I should be doing better or more than I was.  But why?

Let me start by stating up front, that I have FANTASTIC parents.  I am so grateful to them for being exactly who they are.  However, surely, the way I was parented had something to do with my feeling if insecurity, of not being enough.  But did they ever say this to me?  Did they try to motivate me with comments like "You can do better than that" or "Carrie, it's just not good enough"?  On the contrary!  I grew up in the "Good Job" generation.  I was parented with positive reinforcement.  So why, then, did I achieve my way through childhood and young adulthood, only to feel unworthy, and like an impostor in my own life?  And why was it so hard for me to approve of myself?

Alfie Kohn suggests that my feelings of emptiness and unworthiness are directly related to the positive reinforcement I received as a child. It's definitely food for thought.  http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html?_r=2

Yet there is no need for me to BLAME my parents for my insecurity.  My task in adulthood is to re-parent myself. Once I became conscious of the fact that I didn't approve of myself, my job was to learn how to do this.  And as it turned out, it was easier than you might think.  It took some introspection, and some deliberate re-wiring of my own thought patters, but saying, writing, and allowing myself to feel "I love and approve of myself" has truly helped.  As I write this, I still struggle with bouts of self doubt and insecurity, but I absolutely love and approve of myself on a very deep and fundamental level.  I realize that I am complete and lovable as I am, and that I am worthy of love and approval from others.  It took a little work, but it was completely worth the journey.

If this post has resonated with you, and you live in or near Huntington Beach, California, I encourage you to join me for the Mommy-Mind Makeover on February 16th at 7:30 PM.  It's $45 and all proceeds go to North Huntington Beach Community Nursery School, an amazing little Co-Op preschool that supports the philosophy of unconditional parenting (http://nhbcns.org/NHBCNS/Welcome.html ).  For specifics, email me at carrie@coach-carrie.com .